Living Testimonies

H.R., Egypt (a trainee)

“Through the counseling lectures I discovered a name and an exact description for something I've been feeling all of my life, which was the constant and ongoing feeling of insufficiency. Yes. I always strongly felt like I was missing something and that I am not qualified for life or at least not as I should be. I was even totally convinced that not just my behavior and everything I did was wrong but that it was me, myself that has something wrong in her formation and personal structure which naturally would result in distractive behavior and bad decisions. As it was mentioned in lectures specific to this problem, I couldn't put my hand on what I was missing or on what I lack and maybe not even now. I believed that this product (which is me) has a deficiency so it needs to be returned to its manufacturer to be redesigned. I also believed that there was something missing and that if i had that something life would be much better. As Dr. Samy mentioned on that subject, that the most common thing that a person with the feeling of insufficiency goes after is marriage as if the other would solve for me my problems and this is exactly what I did and also what contributed to increasing my suffering because it was the wrong way to go. I always felt discontent about what I do or accomplish; discontent about my behavior as a whole which I still feel up till now but not as strong or sharp as i did before.

It was something revolutionary in my life for such feelings to be put into words and sentences that had actual meanings, for all my life I had them but they where always a mystery to me.

The other thing was my constant feeling of guilt and self blame which was so intense and accompanied me each day of my life just like the background music of a movie. In everything and anything this feeling was with me, In what I do and what I don't do, what I say and what I keep to myself, even my thoughts …even the faults of others against me I considered my own fault and that I drove them to this behavior towards me. I always looked inside me for a defect to justify the other person's behavior against me.

Now to a big extent this problem is not as sharp or intense as it was for the past years. It has not disappear completely but it's somewhat under control now, for when those feelings attack me and I recognize them, I start an inner self talk to examine the thoughts related to those feelings or the behavior that precedes or follows them, according to the situation.

Also my laziness and procrastination; although it's not on constant basis but there are times when I feel that way especially at times where my inner conflicts increase and are more intense. I also suffered from an eating disorder which increased with the increasing of the pressure around me; when my psychological pain got more intense I used to resort to eating to the extent of not being able to stop until I felt sick.

But now after my knowledge and studies of those disorders the conflict within me has changed; before for me, those inner conflicts started from nowhere and went on in darkness and mystery with no origin to them. Now they're still there to a certain extent but they're more specified and well known. A lot of times I can seize those thoughts and distinguish them, which I could have never been able to do before.

Yes, I have a severe need for the love and approval of others as a result to my emotional deprivation, yet it's not exaggerated and even though this need torments me but it doesn't drive me to humiliate myself.

I have a strong need for intimacy and I'm fully aware that it's an essential need of belonging to a person who is strong and successful but I tell myself that this is not the end of the world and this is my conviction…If this need wasn't fulfilled I will suffer and hurt but I will go on living my life.

Finally, sometimes I actually feel that those needs are already fulfilled when I get to meet another person hi is also hurting and I offer understanding and acceptance to his/her suffering.”

H.R., Egypt (a trainee)